Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Losing 130 pounds was no small feat, I will admit. Sometimes I still can’t believe I did it. I can barely fathom having ever weighed that much. It truly seems like a lifetime ago. I know that there were many, many people who were proud of my accomplishment, who marveled at my steadfast determination to lose the weight, and who looked up to me as the ultimate success story. Though it felt great to have such positive attention, it was also a humongous amount of pressure. I can’t count the number of people who came up to me to tell me that I’d inspired them to join WW or to take some other action to lose their extra weight. Even as I was thanking them for their compliments, for their words of admiration and sometimes even astonishment at the change in me, I could feel the pressure to maintain the loss weighing heavily on my shoulders. I would never suggest that someone shouldn’t acknowledge a friend’s weigh loss; it really does feel good and it’s fun for your accomplishments to be recognized. I’m just saying that, for me, along with this incredibly good feeling came something else.

Since gaining some of the weight back, I’ve found myself not wanting to be as active and social as I had been when I was thinner. I try to avoid running into all of those people who had once admired me and let me know how impressed they were with my achievement. I feel like I’d not only let myself down, but I’d let down pretty much everybody who had taken the initiative to let me know proud they were of me. I know what they’re thinking; I will admit that I’ve thought the same thing of people I’ve known who have lost and regained weight. I also think that most people believe that those who lose a major amount of weight will not be able to keep it off long-term. I guess that can be expected when the fact is that many people who lose weight gain it back… and then some quite often.

I think that is one of the things that I miss the most. Being out in a social situation and feeling comfortable, even confident. I see people checking me out; they take note of the extra pounds, the ill-fitting clothes, and the uncomfortable way I carry myself. I catch myself sucking in my stomach, making sure I have a cardigan on to close around my waist, and even hunching over so that my shirts don’t appear as tight against my muffin top. It’s not a fun way to live and I’m really tired of feeling this way. I’m being honest when I say that it’s not the positive attention that I’m looking for, just a lack of the negative attention.

I believe I’ve learned my lesson. I’m going to try very hard to remember how I’m feeling right now. If I ever begin to slip again, I will remind myself where I am now, and how terrible I feel about myself. Thankfully I’ll have this blog to reference.